I write for money. I'm broke a lot.

Also? Colin Firth could get it.


Gmail me at ccr002

Find me on Twitter at cloudyarecinos

 

If you really loved me you’d bind, gag, and deliver this to me.

If you really loved me you’d bind, gag, and deliver this to me.

Robin and I didn’t take selfies because we were at Ikea on some SIRIUS BIZNAZ (buying a big boy bed for the kiddo). But I did get a shot of my meatballs so hey!

Robin is the best Ikea shopping buddy ever, by the way. I might still be wandering the aisles, wide-eyed and helpless, if it weren’t for her.

Robin and I didn’t take selfies because we were at Ikea on some SIRIUS BIZNAZ (buying a big boy bed for the kiddo). But I did get a shot of my meatballs so hey!

Robin is the best Ikea shopping buddy ever, by the way. I might still be wandering the aisles, wide-eyed and helpless, if it weren’t for her.

People always ask me,
“How do you memorize all of that?”
And the truth is, the first girl I ever kissed tasted like tomatoes.
I know this because the second girl I ever kissed tasted like pepper.
It wasn’t unpleasant…
I was just expecting tomatoes.
When I was a kid I was fascinated by space
And I learned that time slows near a black hole
Inside a black hole time stops altogether.
Whether or not this theory will ever be proved,
I’m moved to believe that this would be the perfect place to love someone.
In grade 4 my gym teacher gave me the nickname “half-ton”. It was a name that stuck.
I remember it because it was the first time I ever told someone “Go fuck yourself!”
And meant it.
He quit calling me the name after he called my house trying to get me in trouble for what i’d said,
To which my grandmother replied…
“Mr. Shithead, I told him to say it.”
I remember my grandfather’s blue tool kit where he hid a secret stash of raisins.
I recall thinking, “My granddad has the worst taste in candy.”
But he did teach me how to tie a tie.
My first opportunity to apply this knowledge was my first date,
A seventh grade classmate,
Who showed up wearing acid washed jeans and a Def Leppard tshirt.
I wore a suit and tie.
When she asked why I was all dressed up I had to think quickly, so I told her,
“My other clothes smell funny.”
I’m not saying it ended badly, but she wound up leaving me for a boy who could make farting noises with his armpit.
I’m forced to admit he was pretty cool.
My fourth grade teacher had a rule about speaking out of turn
Failure to learn and practice this lesson would result in having to sit outside.
I know this because I tried it once.
When she finally came out to check on me, she asked
“What was so important that it couldn’t wait?”
Knowing that it’s rude to point, but needing to illustrate my position,
I gestured to her chest and said
“Your boob is hanging out.”
She quickly covered up and corrected me.
“Breast.”
She was a good teacher.
When I was twelve, I was given an academic diagnostics test. Later the instructor informed me I had an aptitude for history.
He looked puzzled when I replied,
“Yeah, but that was yesterday. Today, I’m more interested in tomorrow.”
I remember it because the next day I asked a girl if I could borrow a pen.
When I offered it back she said
“You should write me a letter with it first.”
So I did.
I wrote her a note which the teacher then intercepted and read to the class.
It was something we’d learned in science that day
About the way gravity affects mass and weight
In relation to how quickly something will fall.
Example:
A crumpled ball of paper will fall at the same speed as a boulder of granite.
It doesn’t matter how much something weighs, it stays the same until you consider surface area and resistance, at which point the persistence of gravity loses force.
Example:
Crumple a piece of paper into a ball
It will fall faster than a loose sheet.
They are both composed of the same mass and weight so you’d think that the rate of velocity measured with the force of gravity would cause each to fall at the same speed.
But that’s when you need to consider that the greater surface area of the loose sheet adds resistance
So the crumpled ball will fall quickly but the loose sheet will slowly float.
I wrote a note
Explaining that when two people are falling for each other, they do so at the same speed.
There’s no need to factor in the physics explanations
Or something we can make no use of.
Einstein said:
“Gravity won’t be held responsible for people falling in love.”
I wrote her a note
Telling her:
“If I fall in love with you,
No one will ever be able to explain it.
And I think that’s beautiful.”
Despite the class laughing, she did as well,
Which is how I can tell you that I then knew and now still know
She tasted like tomatoes.
I don’t remember the way every song goes
I can’t recall every person I’ve met
I get names mixed up all the time
I’m terrible with birthdays
But I remember all the ways people have affected me,
How our stories became memories
And if you were brazen enough to make one with me
Then you’re in there somewhere.
Maybe it was a truth or dare kiss
Or a simple act of kindness
One that reminded me to remember this moment and mark it as a memory, so we would both have it to look back on.
From this life, I’ve drawn conclusions so big they can’t fit into the tiny comic book boxes
Because I don’t want to risk losing the detail
Just so I can make the story fit.
It’s not a trick.
I remember how things felt
Which in turn makes me remember how things happened.
Like my first attempt at skateboarding, where I received a down to the bone skinned knee.
I remember a tree that looked like a man with huge arms to hold up the sky.
I used to try to climb it to the very top
Until one day I couldn’t get down.
I remember the man with the brown car.
Tried to convince me he was sent to pick me up by my mom.
Number one, I lived with my grandparents.
Number two, he didn’t know the safety word.
I recall when it finally occurred to me,
I’m pretty fantastic.
It’s not magic, I remember because I make comparisons.
Not in terms of better or worse,
Just different.
And not all of these memories are great
But they’re mine
Which lends way to believe that none of our lives are put together on an assembly line
We’re not pre-packaged with memories or programmed with stories
We have to make our own.
And they all come “batteries not included”
And with the endless opportunities presented to us daily
Seldom do we take the time necessary to pause
To stop
To record
Rewind
And press play.
In our own way, we are all ghetto blasters at top volume,
We consume silence with noise
Speakers pounding out our heartbeats as we write refund receipts for the broken eardrums of people who could hear us live.
We give up ourselves’ time.
Precious, because its quality is limited only by your ability to live within it.
Put yourself into every second of every minute
And you will have a life worth remembering.
Just because we don’t have forever doesn’t mean we have to live our lives moving towards the end as if on a conveyor belt.
I’ve felt nothing short of astonished when people ask me
“How do you memorize all of that?”
The fact of the matter is
It’s not a trick.
There is no thick curtain you need to pull away.
No little old man making it all work from behind a locked door.
You yourself probably remember before when I told you that near a black hole, time slows.
Inside a black hole is where I wanted to grow tomatoes.

tomatoes, shane koyczan (via nikkidactyl)

Being my friend means risking botulism on a yearly basis because I love you.

I didn’t feel like cooking so I decided to make the little dude some frozen pizza for dinner.

Then I burned it.

I am a terrible mother.

I didn’t feel like cooking so I decided to make the little dude some frozen pizza for dinner.

Then I burned it.

I am a terrible mother.

My dad’s case was dismissed!

Charges dropped. Case closed. That’s it.

It took eleven months but whatever. It’s done. It’s done.

Niagara County Produce sells a lot of…produce…

Niagara County Produce sells a lot of…produce…

Three years ago today this guy decided to join the party.

Happy birthday to my little boy.

God I love this kid.

Three years ago today this guy decided to join the party.

Happy birthday to my little boy.

God I love this kid.

Googling “extremely uneven eyelids” because seriously you guys this shit is ridiculous.

Googling “extremely uneven eyelids” because seriously you guys this shit is ridiculous.

I’m making tomato sauce from scratch because I am a goodly wife and all-around lovely human being.

I’m making tomato sauce from scratch because I am a goodly wife and all-around lovely human being.