February 2012
27 posts
That thing where your husband walks into the room and you both simultaneously start dancing to the rhythm of the breast pump attached to your boob.
What do you mean that’s not a thing?
I have a PhD in the science
I don’t use it except to announce to people that I have one. I think it makes me sound like someone who worked hard to achieve something, which I guess I did. But honestly, labor and delivery of my bouncing (off the walls) baby boy was harder and I am infinitely more proud of the results.
My child is work. He is my job. Sometimes, like when the most exciting thing I have to recount at...
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I need a buddy
If any iPhone users are playing Restaurant Story, Fashion Story or Bakery Story, please give me a heads up so I can add you, or just add me (cloudya01). Seriously, this isn’t a joke post. Don’t laugh at me.
I said stop laughing.
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I'm a reject
So I’m trying out this freelance writing thing, and I got my first rejection today. My query got shot down by Parents magazine.
I don’t care where it comes from, rejection hurts.
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“This is definitely decaf right? Because I’m breastfeeding and if my kid...”
– Things I didn’t say at Starbucks but should have because seriously this child WILL NOT SLEEP
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Dear Brandon,
Seriously? SERIOUSLY??
Love,
Mom
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“Things that have been near your ass DO NOT go in your mouth.”
– Me to Brandon. But it’s really good advice for us all.
Take a load off
“Sit down,” Ken says. He takes the baby from my arms - that precious little barnacle that won’t even let me pee in peace.
“Okay,” I say, “I just have to do one thing.”
I turn on the stove to heat up dinner. (The dinner that I made in exaggerated silence while the baby was napping this morning.) I put the blueberry muffins in the Tupperware bin. (The...
I had a dream I was making out with Dylan...
That’ll do, crazy random Claudia subconscious.
That’ll do.
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Looking back on pictures of my son’s first day of life, I can see shadows of the baby he is now. The way his bottom lip curls out when he’s asleep, making him look like a disgruntled old man. The way his brow furrows when he’s taking something new in. The way one arm shoots up in the air, little fist curled tight, whenever he stretches. All of these things were already there...
“Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life...”
– See the rest of the article: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child#ixzz1lV7AISNp
I missed it.
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Your Mom, Whatever is no longer playing in movie theaters. I totally missed it.
Apparently when you have a baby your celebrity crush goes right out the window along with your skinny jeans and your ability to sleep like the dead. Oh wait, I never owned skinny jeans.
The point is I have no idea how I’m supposed to get off in public now.
Nugget: *Very. Angry. Gibberish.*
Me: Your mother. Oh wait…
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“Do you SEE how much Cheetos dust I have on my fingers right now? Sorry but...”
– Things my kid will repeat to his therapist a couple of decades from now
On diving
“Plummet,” I say to myself, “plummet.”
Every night when I go to bed. Plummet. Don’t dawdle or linger, plunge right into sleep. You need every single second. Don’t ease into it. Don’t dip your toe in and languish. Fucking. Plummet.
In five hours I will be up with a feverish, unhappy baby. I’ll be rocking and shushing and soothing. In five...
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ALL OF THE AWKWARD
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We’ve reached the stage where B thinks that when I put on the nursing cover-up we’re playing one big game of peek-a-boo with the world so he giggles and tries to fling it off mid-feeding.
Peek-a-boob!
“You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to...”
January 2012
48 posts
WatchNugget having a temper tantrum. Until he realizes he’s being filmed.
Truthful things
- I do things like make cookies from scratch or chocolate chip muffins while the kiddo is napping. I’ve mastered the art of stealth baking. It stresses me out. But it also soothes me.
- Yesterday was rough. I tried to shower twice and both times I had to run out of the shower naked and shivering and half shampooed because the kiddo was wailing. But as frustrated and annoyed as I was, he...
From now on if anything is acting up and stressing me out I’m just going to shove a boob in its face because it’s like MAGIC BOOBS THAT SOLVE ALL PROBLEMS!!
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Sleep training
I was reading some excerpts from the No Cry Sleep Solution when I came across this gem - you have to want a change. You have to really want to change your baby’s sleeping habits, or everything will stay the same.
Right now we are in a less than ideal situation. Brandon sleeps in a travel crib in the living room. Ken stays up with him from 8 pm to 2 am, waking me 2-3 times during that...
I came in 158th place in my age group at today's...
Out of 173. Eek! But in the “women who just pushed a live human out of their body under 4 months ago” category, I’m pretty sure I placed in the top ten. And that’s without the extra points for awesomsaucedness.
My brother came in 1st in his age group and 12th overall. He’s the fast one.
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I could count on one hand the number of followers...
But only if that hand had, like, 50 fingers
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Me: Hey babe! I made a lasagna for dinner. And I noticed you were running low on socks so I did the laundry.
Him: Hmm. I worry you’re doing too much.
Me: Well, I figure this is my career for the next few years so I might as well be good at it.
Him: Whoa, this isn’t your career. You’re a writer.
Oh man, I almost lost myself there. And that’s why I love him. ...
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Mother-Nugget Pep Talk
Okay dude, I’ll take care of picking out the groceries, paying for them, and loading them in the car. Your whole job is to NOT. POOP.
“Do you want a sip?” he asks.
And I do. I really, really do. It’s been a hell of a day and there’s nothing I want more. But I shake my head.
“Alcoholic,” I say. Anything less, I know, won’t be enough. Anything less, and the sloppy, good-natured wheedling will ensue, and I don’t have the strength to fight that.
So I say it. Alcoholic. ...
My son
I don’t wake up anymore. I am woken up. I am pulled unwillingly from the amber by howls of hunger. He doesn’t cry, he screams in anger. Feed me now!
This one is definitely my son.
He is all rooting and grasping. Clenching and unclenching fists. Jerky limbs and puckered face. He is warmth and breath of milk. He is my whole heart made foreign, and I love him in a way that is...
Check it out, this is me driving:
<singing to the Nugget> “Don’t worry, ‘bout a thing, ‘cause every little thing, gonna be all right. Don’t worry ‘bout a th- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?? WHERE’D YOU LEARN TO DRIVE THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO IDIOT DRIVING YOU IDIOTIC IDIOT?!?!”