January 2011
149 posts
Ken: I hate this job search. I don’t ask much. I don’t want to be rich. I already have everything I need.
Me: Aw, cause you have me and the grapenut?
Ken: Yeah. (Kisses the top of my head.) And Xbox…
“Just wait until <insert pregnancy horror story here>”
Almost every time a woman finds out I’m pregnant.
“Just wait until the first time you throw up in public.”
“Just wait until you start secreting fluids.”
“Just wait until your stretchmarks resemble a treasure map.”
Just wait until, just wait until, just wait until…
At first...
Dear Baby,
I know you can’t tell, but at one point, your mom could go for hours without peeing. None of this peeing every hour bullshit. I could hold it all day long. I had a bladder of steel. I was like a freaking camel. You could take me through the goddamn Sahara! I needed not a stinking bathroom. I could sit through an entire movie and then some. I would hold it just because I didn’t...
Two thingies
1. To everyone attending SNARKNYC, have a wonderful time! Enjoy the love, post lots of pictures, and laugh a lot. Keep each other warm!! xoxo
2. To everyone in my life, I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit belligerent of late. I have opinions, and lately they ALL want to come out at once. (Including the one that’s waiting around for one. more. person. to bag on skinny girls.) I’m...
anarchyandscotch asked: I'm planning on ordering something from your Etsy shop in the near future and I now have this fear that while you're in the middle of knitting my scarf, you'l have one of these sudden fits of rage, and you'll crochet FUCK YOU RICH into it.
Actually, on second thought, that would be kind of badass.
Actually, on second thought, that would be kind of badass.
redcloud asked: I keep thinking I should call you Miss Sassy Fetus.
How's it going today, Miss Sassy Fetus?
How's it going today, Miss Sassy Fetus?
2 tags
Dear Taco Bell,
Chill out.
Nobody cares.
People aren’t concerned that you put stuff like silicon dioxide and sodium phosphates in your “beef”. They don’t care that their tacos contain “anti-dusting agents”. People will still eat your food. Happily.
Why? Because the majority of us don’t care what we put in our bodies. We don’t think we’re vulnerable and...
I'm Riding in a Spin-A-Thon and Could Use Your... →
essdogg:
Hi there. I’m not so great at asking for things for myself, but I have no problem asking for others, especially when those others are extraordinarily worthy of our support. My wife, parents and I are riding in four-hour spin-a-thon called Pedal 4 Pattison’s, which supports the Pattison’s Academy, a wonderful group here in South Carolina that provides year-round programs as well as a...
I have now become the type of girl who laughs out loud and does a little dance over the number “1094”.
My HCG levels were 399 the day I went to the ER, and my doctor just called to tell me they were 1094 two days after that. (The level is supposed to double every 48 hours if things are going well.)
1094.
I have other things to talk about, sure. But this, by far, is making me the...
There's a joke on my box of raisins!
Q: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t find a date.
I’m not too proud to tell you I giggled like an idiot.
I slept two hours last night
I had to get up once every hour to pee, so that kind of killed the REM cycle. I got hungry at 2am, and had to fumble into the kitchen and make myself a snack. I couldn’t get comfortable because my boobs hurt. I lay in bed, thinking, thinking, thinking, until I finally turned on my bedside lamp and read some awful book that had been sitting on my bookshelf for months now. I think I finally...
Truthful Tuesday - Fetal Edition
The little bugger in my belly was conceived around the same time I saw The King’s Speech in the movie theater. (Coincidence? I think from not.)
I’ve been waking up at 5 am every morning and watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns until Ken gets up at 9. I fast forward through any pregnancy-related storylines so as not to scare myself.
I haven’t told my parents I’m...
chemicalfreeskinny:
FOOD CHEMICALS: FALSE ADVERTISING LAWSUIT—FAST FOOD
Taco Bell is using false advertising when it calls its food ‘beef,’ according …
In fact, the lawsuit claims, the “taco meat filling” used by Taco Bell contains is only about 35% beef, with binders, extenders, preservatives, additives and other agents making up the other 65%.
New York Daily News
Taco Bell Promises to...
atsirhc asked: in my VERY BEST Colin Firth handwriting but narrated by Colin's voice just like in a movie while you read:
My dearest Claudia,
I know you're married to another man.. but.. I love you and.. well, I.. I need to lay my big, strong Colin Firth hand on your belleh and I need to rub it soothingly. I find that if I do that while you're meditating, you fall...
My dearest Claudia,
I know you're married to another man.. but.. I love you and.. well, I.. I need to lay my big, strong Colin Firth hand on your belleh and I need to rub it soothingly. I find that if I do that while you're meditating, you fall...
I worry.
I worry when I’m crampy. I worry when I’m not crampy. I worry every single time I have to go to the bathroom, and since I’m trying to drink eight glasses of water, that’s a major chunk of my day. I worry that I haven’t had any nausea, that I’m not eating enough, and that when I eat I’m not eating the right things.
I worry that so much worry is...
Dawson's Creek marathon!!
If anybody needs us, Katie Holmes and I will be hiding out in the late 90s.
(You can’t see it, but I’m smiling.)
1 tag
The old lady in the elevator who keeps up a steady stream of good-natured chatter. The tatooed, bald-headed muscle-man who dotes over his four chihuahuahs. The girl with the big, beautiful afro who offers to help me unload my shopping cart. The flustered postal worker who still says “have a nice day” even though you can tell it’s been ages since his last break. The...
wordishness asked: Hey, you. What can we all do to keep you in good spirits?
Every night the cramping gets so bad that I’m certain this is it. This is it. But just when I’ve braced myself for the worst, the pain recedes. And every hour I stay pregnant feels like a respite, but it also feels like a gift.
Q: Are you hungry?
A: No, I “gestate”.
Get it? I gestate/just ate?
Anyway, GUESS WHO TOTALLY JUST DISCOVERED PREGNANCY HUMOR!
“Shouldn’t you be on your back right now?”
– My boss when he saw I had come into work today.
I’ll thank you not to mention this to HR.
I considered myself a fairly laid-back bride. I planned our entire California wedding via emails and text messages from Miami. I picked my bridesmaids’ dresses after one hour of shopping, bought my gown out of a J. Crew catalog, let the site coordinator have her way with the menu, and made our wedding favors by hand the day before.
Still, it was our wedding. Even the easy, carefree way it...
Doctor: We typed your blood as part of our tests. You’re O positive.
Ken: That’s my blood type!
Me: No way, really?
Ken: Yeah. We’re the same blood type.
Me: Aw, that’s so awesome.
Ken: I love you so much.
Me: I love you too!
Doctor: So…yeah…you’re O positive…
1 tag
The good thing about working on a medical campus is that when your gyno tells you to get over to the emergency room as soon as possible, you can just calmly hang up and walk over to the building next door.
Last time I was in an emergency room I was 19. I did too much LSD and managed to convince my boyfriend that we were dying. He called 911 and I spent the night hallucinating about medical...
So I was at the doctor today
About my stomach issues. And I had to tell him about my test this morning.
“You’re pregnant!” he cried.
“Well, I had a positive pregnancy test,” I corrected.
“That limits the testing I can do,” he said. “We don’t want to hurt the baby.”
“I guess,” I muttered. “Sorry.”
And then he laughed. A big carefree...
The thing about not even trying is the...
You keep playing Dance Central even through the cramps. (“I dislodged the baby.”)
You take extra hot showers that make your skin splotchy and red. (“I poached the baby.”)
You pop Advil like Tic-Tacs when the cramps get really bad. (“I gave the baby its first high.”)
And then you wake up one morning and wonder why, if the cramps are so bad, you have nothing to...
Some days I'm not very interesting
Some days I have nothing to share and nothing to say except things like:
I forgot to take the honey out of the fridge and now it’s thick and sluggish and I can’t drink my tea.
I find it sad that I can’t will my boss to go home early with nothing but the power of my thoughts
It’s increasingly difficult to stay quiet when I see my labmate brushing his teeth in the water...
“I have nothing interesting to share today. My hair has grown halfway to my butt and it’s making me want to sing ‘Coal Miner’s Daughter.’”
My Facebook status.
I meant because it makes me feel like a country singer!! It wasn’t until Paul commented that I realized how gross it sounded.
Now I just hope my second cousin doesn’t think I like to...
“I have nothing interesting to share today. My hair has grown halfway to my butt and it’s making me want to sing ‘Coal Miner’s Daughter.’”
My Facebook status.
I meant because it makes me feel like a country singer!! It wasn’t until Paul commented that I realized how gross it sounded.
Now I just hope my second cousin doesn’t think I like to...
“I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!”
– My brain to the two jerks having a loud, self-important conversation right outside my office
Truthful Tuesday
I used to think I was healthy because I hardly ate red meat. Except for Burger King and Five Guys and Wendy’s…
I used to think I was healthy because I didn’t eat dairy. Except for pizza and ice cream…
I used to think I was healthy because I drank juice with my bag of Funyuns. Because I was relatively skinny. Because I chose fresco style burritos and small sized combo...
1 tag
1 tag
““After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and...”
– (via 1love2dream)
bumpcrud asked: I had a dream about you and Ken last night. I think you had won the lottery or something and you decided to go on what you were calling "The Claudia and Ken Cross Country Tumblr Tour" where you decided to visit everyone you followed on Tumblr.
Anyway, when it was my turn, you guys decided to go out with some friends of mine and see a band. Ken got up to use the restroom...
Anyway, when it was my turn, you guys decided to go out with some friends of mine and see a band. Ken got up to use the restroom...