Update on the longest labor EVAR!
Worked all night and all morning with contractions 6-8 minutes apart only to have everything stall out once the sun came up… …and then restart an hour ago. My body is as neurotic as I am. I have no idea!!
That was NOT cool. That was NOT cool.– Me after that last contraction. They’ve been ~8 minutes apart for a couple of hours now, but I’m still up and about doing laundry and loading the dishwasher. Too many false alarms to get me all worked up. That last contraction though? That was NOT cool.
A venti sized vent
I’m pissed. Really. I’m so futilely angry. I went to the midwife today for what I thought was a routine exam. And suddenly - ow. And then more ow. And then what the fuck lady?? And next thing I know, my membranes had been stripped. Without my knowledge. Without my consent. Yes, I know that having your membranes stripped is not a big deal, or risky, or harmful. But the whole...
Contraction: HI! HI! HI! Me: Huh? Wha…? Contraction: Aw, you looked so peaceful there. All asleep and stuff. Me: Ow. Ow! Contraction: Yeah, don’t forget to breathe. You’re supposed to breathe. Me: You’re…holy…you’re a really long one. Contraction: That’s what she said! Haha! Here let me reach around and get your back muscles. Me: Ow,...
Maybe I’m not really pregnant…– My frustration
60% effaced and baby at 0 station
Overshare bonus points: my cervix is super soft. Enjoy your lunch everyone!
No baby yet
But Ken is making chili dogs for dinner so I’m still a wiener! Get it? Winner/wiener? Whatever CHILI NOMS!!!!
I'm completely content today
I have my Hulu and my remote control. I have Netflix. I have a baby in mah belleh. I have my crochet needle and some very pretty yarn at arm’s length. The hardest thing I have to do all day is walk to the kitchen to get another double chocolate milano cookie. (And sit through a couple of contractions an hour. Whatever.) I am not going to bitch and whine and moan because damn it, my...
oh hai real contraction, you're very different...
But it’s still not real labor. Just fun warm-up stuff. “Practice makes perfect,” my body quips cheerfully. “Just shut up and do it already,” I growl. We are at an impasse. Meanwhile my midwife tells me to do creative visualization exercises. “Pick a date and see yourself giving birth,” she says, ”You have more control over this than you...
Dear crazy lady at the grocery store,
40 weeks pregnant is NOT TEN MONTHS! It is nine. See, there are 7 days in a week. 40 x 7 = 280 days. If we divide that by 30 days (30 days in a month), that gives us 9.3 months (280 /30=9.3) Since doctors start ticking pregnancy weeks off from the first day of our last menstrual period, we are not even pregnant until sometime in the late half of week 2. So that goes into account as well. ...
Any other day
I would like to go into labor any other day but today, please. Today I have been promised lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant, and frozen yogurt with every chocolate topping known to man for dessert. So, any other day. Today I want my ice cream.
I love this little dude
Everything about him. The way he wakes me up with persistent little jabs to the ribs. The way he goes still when I sing to him. The way he kicks at the most inopportune times. The way he makes me feel, like a mother bear, all snarly and protective. I walked into a restaurant this morning and people weren’t at all shy about turning their heads to stare. I wanted to tell them,...
I took a picture of my bare belly yesterday. I showed it to Ken and he got all excited ‘cause he thought I was showing him a picture of my boob. My protruding belly button looks like a nipple, everyone! I have a boobalicious belly.
I gave in and maybe cried a little
Just a little. I felt so horrendously guilty doing it. Just a little longer… I can’t get comfortable and I can’t find relief. It gets worse at night when Ken wants to sit on the couch and cuddle and I just, I can’t. I have no more to give. I need air. Space. I need something of me again. I have the baby taking, taking, taking 24 hours a day. He moves constantly,...
10 days away from my due date
Truth? I don’t buy it. I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to be pregnant forever. I’ll just have to get used to waddling instead of walking, struggling and grunting just to get up off the couch, being woken up at 5 am every day by a funky little tap dance on my ribcage, sighing sadly whenever I drop something on the floor because I’ll be damned if I’m bending...
Contractions every fifteen minutes yay!!!!
That fizzle out and go nowhere booo!!!!
Thoughts while sitting here rubbing my baby's...
This baby hates sleep about as much as I do. The fact that I know exactly where my baby’s butt is is awesome. My midwife is awesome. Today is Colin Firth’s birthday. I should post a picture of him today. For old time’s sake. Or at least have some sort of raunchy fantasy in a British accent. If I’m not too tired… The fact that there are doctors out there who...
I was four or five years old when I spent the night at my godmother’s house. I don’t know why I was there. My godmother didn’t have any kids my age. Maybe my mother needed a break? It doesn’t matter. I was there. So was my godmother’s husband. And the way these things go, so achingly trite and at the same time so painful they rip a hole in you that never mends,...
Which means officially Nugget is no longer pre-term. To celebrate, I had Braxton Hicks all day. First an hour apart. Then twenty-five minutes. Then nothing. Waiting, waiting, waiting… My bag is packed. My birthing books are read. Tiny baby clothes and blankets are washed and folded. I don’t care when Nugget comes. He’ll come when he’s ready. In the meantime I’ll...
Ken took the day off and we spent the day watching Hell’s Kitchen re-runs yesterday. Blue vs. red. Men vs. women. Us vs. them. “We’re going to beat these bitches,” one of the guys says during an interview, and I cringe. These bitches… “These bitches don’t know what they’re in for,” another guy says, and I flinch. Bitches… Why did...