Nugget having a temper tantrum. Until he realizes he’s being filmed.
- I do things like make cookies from scratch or chocolate chip muffins while the kiddo is napping. I’ve mastered the art of stealth baking. It stresses me out. But it also soothes me. - Yesterday was rough. I tried to shower twice and both times I had to run out of the shower naked and shivering and half shampooed because the kiddo was wailing. But as frustrated and annoyed as I was, he...
From now on if anything is acting up and stressing me out I’m just going to shove a boob in its face because it’s like MAGIC BOOBS THAT SOLVE ALL PROBLEMS!!
I was reading some excerpts from the No Cry Sleep Solution when I came across this gem - you have to want a change. You have to really want to change your baby’s sleeping habits, or everything will stay the same. Right now we are in a less than ideal situation. Brandon sleeps in a travel crib in the living room. Ken stays up with him from 8 pm to 2 am, waking me 2-3 times during that...
I came in 158th place in my age group at today's...
Out of 173. Eek! But in the “women who just pushed a live human out of their body under 4 months ago” category, I’m pretty sure I placed in the top ten. And that’s without the extra points for awesomsaucedness. My brother came in 1st in his age group and 12th overall. He’s the fast one.
I could count on one hand the number of followers...
But only if that hand had, like, 50 fingers
Me: Hey babe! I made a lasagna for dinner. And I noticed you were running low on socks so I did the laundry. Him: Hmm. I worry you’re doing too much. Me: Well, I figure this is my career for the next few years so I might as well be good at it. Him: Whoa, this isn’t your career. You’re a writer. Oh man, I almost lost myself there. And that’s why I love him. ...
Mother-Nugget Pep Talk
Okay dude, I’ll take care of picking out the groceries, paying for them, and loading them in the car. Your whole job is to NOT. POOP.
“Do you want a sip?” he asks. And I do. I really, really do. It’s been a hell of a day and there’s nothing I want more. But I shake my head. “Alcoholic,” I say. Anything less, I know, won’t be enough. Anything less, and the sloppy, good-natured wheedling will ensue, and I don’t have the strength to fight that. So I say it. Alcoholic. ...
Check it out, this is me driving:
<singing to the Nugget> “Don’t worry, ‘bout a thing, ‘cause every little thing, gonna be all right. Don’t worry ‘bout a th- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?? WHERE’D YOU LEARN TO DRIVE THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO IDIOT DRIVING YOU IDIOTIC IDIOT?!?!”
Don't Carpe Diem →
What shape is this? See it has 3 corners and 3 sides? That makes it a...– using Doritos as a teaching tool
We’re all strange here.
People tell you babies put a crimp in your social life, but I just became the mayor of Burger King on foursquare so…yeah…
- Going through my closet and getting rid of all my size 0 clothing - Mentally punching the me of pant size past who thought that she was fat back then - Vowing to always love the me that is, to be right with myself and comfortable in my own skin, even if there is a little more of it than there used to be
Nursing with one hand. Trying to claw my way into the package containing my new iPhone 4S with the other. Patience is a virtue. I have no virtues. Not a one. But I have an iPhone 4S!!!!
What he says: I’m going to make mini doughnuts for breakfast. How does that sound? What I think: Like you’re going to make a huge mess for me to clean up later. What I say: That sounds lovely.
Holy Moses! So much drool and crazy Nugget behavior. And the drooling! And the drool…
I used to drink Frappucinos
Then, one day, at a totally random Starbuck’s I’d never visited before, I ordered a soy mocha. The barista, who I’d never met before in my life, made a face. “You strike me more as a Frappuccino kind of girl,” he said. Mind. Blown. I was a “type”. I was Frappuccino girl. I was frozen, sweet, fluffy, drink-your-caffeinated-beverage-through-a-straw...
Sometimes I think I have the smartest kid in the world. And then there are times he goes nuts trying to nurse on my forearm.
8 things meme
1. Danced on a stage wearing nothing but a light-up bikini and a hot pink wig. 2. Kissed a boy at the top of the Eiffel Tower. 3. Made love on the grass in the middle of a forest. 4. Fallen asleep on a beach in Southern Spain. 5. Swallowed 18 Tylenols at one time in a pathetic attempt to hold on to a boy’s love. 6. Kayaked into a cave in Hawaii to see lava. 7. Ate a dozen Taco Bell...
Dear Future Self
Don’t YouTube “Puff the Magic Dragon” with Brandon on your lap unless you want to be wiping your tears off the top of his head for the next three minutes.
Slowly - very slowly - I’m getting better at this motherhood thing. I’ve learned to distinguish a hunger cry from an I-need-a-nap cry and an I-just-need-attention cry. I’ve learned to do things like hold my baby with one hand and make a sandwich with the other. I take advantage of nap times to run (2 weeks left on my couch to 5K training!) or read (300 pages left in the freaking...
rapperformerlyknownassnoopdogg asked: it is not ok to breast feed in public. If you are out at a restaurant or a store you need to find a private place to do that. That is not something that another parent should have to explain to their child and it is not something the public should have to see. If someone wants to show off their breast feeding they can post a video on you-tube. I'm sure there are plenty of fucked up people...