Dear Draw Something Peeps
The game is bugging out on me and I can’t see who I’m playing so if I send you a picture of a penis it just means I love you.
I just sent two emails purporting my editing skills and precise attention to detail and both of them had typos. I can’t stop giggling. I don’t think I’ll be getting those jobs. Maybe if I e-mail them back telling them I edited my e-mails and caught the typos and this is proof that I’m a good editor? Or just an asshole…
The following day, I attended a workshop about preventing gender violence,...– Why I Am A Male Feminist. (via futureabortiondoctor)
My child, he is awesome. 18 seconds worth of milestone. So much love!!!!
Three guesses and the first two IT’SCOLINFIRTH!!
Reading Jane Austen on my Kindle while Ken plays chess on the laptop and we monitor our sleeping baby via webcam on the iPhone. The future is pretty awesome.
This is here because I'm sending it as a clip blah...
Have I told you guys lately that I love you? I do, it’s true. Anyway, you know the drill. Feel free to ignore… The Tower stood in the center of the walled city of Aubergnon like a sentinel. It reached up to the sky in a symphony of symmetry and perfect angles. It had been built on a foundation of careful planning, and over the years, it had come to symbolize the people and culture...
This is what that’ll get you.– Me. About Brandon. To the teenagers making out in front of me.
Me: “One hippo, all alone, calls two hippos on the phone. Three hippos at the door bring along another four. Five hippos…” Do you ever keep reading to him even after he’s clearly lost interest just because you want to see what happens next? Ken: Huh? Yeah. Whatever keep reading I want to see how far they take this.
Me: Ah fuck, why are you crying now? Me: Because I’m tired. I’m so tired. And I’m tired of being tired. And I’m tired of being tired of being tired. And I’m sick of doing laundry ALL THE TIME! And no matter how much I do, there’s always more. And I’m sick of not feeling cute. I used to be cute. I used to be really cute. And I don’t want...
The Mommy Connection
We have this thing we do, my friend Carrie and I. Okay she’s not “my friend Carrie” so much as this girl I met once at a party and then added on Facebook and never really talked to again. But then we got pregnant around the same time. And had babies around the same time. And started to go crazy around the same time… So we started doing this thing. Every Friday. We...
Me: Oh what book is that? Random guy: Storm of Swords Me: What is that the third one in the series? Guy: Yep Me: I have the fourth one if you want it. My brain: Dude you’re being weird. Guy: Yeah I have it too. Me: Did you watch the TV show? Brain: Okay let’s move it along. Guy: Yeah it was good. Me: Yeah I liked it. I just watched it recently. My friend gave me...
Why does Mommy feel the need to have a grilled cheese sandwich at 9:30 in the...– A day in the life of a Nugget
Dear Claudia of 5 months ago,
A few things: 1. You’re not ready. You might think you’re ready. You might think you want this baby out of you because “holy wow being pregnant is hard”. Suck it up. This is the easy part. Peeing every hour and walking like a duck? Pffft! Amateur. Enjoy these last few weeks because once he’s out, he’s out, and you can’t quiet him with a little...
I cried myself to sleep last night. Which I haven’t done for some time now. Someone told me this would happen. That it would get harder. Then easier. Then harder again. Right now we’re at harder. Right now we’re at throwing the blankets over our heads and crying softly until we fall asleep. Brandon has discovered screaming. Feeling a little bored in that exersaucer? Let out a...
Bad news - The kid pooped. Worse news - It was three days’ worth Worst news - It happened mid-diaper change.
I just dreamt that Nathan Fillion was hanging out...
and shoving his tongue down my throat
1. See Groupon deal for 50% off kennel boarding. 2. Get all excited about the possibility of getting away for a weekend. 3. Sheepishly remember that your baby is not a pet. 4. Chalk your mistake up to sleep deprivation. I SAID CHALK IT UP TO SLEEP DEPRIVATION!
Every day for the past 3 months I’ve ‘checked in’ to Colin...– The inner dialogue that proves 5am me is batshit crazy
I tru-tru-truth you
“Hey monkeypants whatsamatter? Mommy wuvs you. You’re not gonna cry while I run to the bathroom ‘cause you can still hear me, right? Right?? Can you hear me, monkeypants? I…I need to stop talking for 2 seconds or I can’t pee. No! No don’t cry!!!” THIS IS HOW I PEE NOW!!! I had such a great time reading all your favorite tweets today. They took...
Me: I still can’t figure out who he looks like, me or Ken. My Mom: Well, he’s got your ears. Me: What? My ears don’t stick out like that. My mom: They did when you were a baby. Me: They did? My mom: Uh-huh, but I taped them back and now they look normal.
I lost my virginity at 16 to a boy with long brown hair who loved me and told me he would wait forever. He was sweet. Clumsy. He kissed me and held me and I have never regretted choosing him. We were so in love, the way that only 16 year olds can be in love. But my parents pried us apart because they were afraid I was growing up too fast. Losing him changed something in me. It was a long...
That thing where your husband walks into the room and you both simultaneously start dancing to the rhythm of the breast pump attached to your boob. What do you mean that’s not a thing?
I have a PhD in the science
I don’t use it except to announce to people that I have one. I think it makes me sound like someone who worked hard to achieve something, which I guess I did. But honestly, labor and delivery of my bouncing (off the walls) baby boy was harder and I am infinitely more proud of the results. My child is work. He is my job. Sometimes, like when the most exciting thing I have to recount at...
I'm a reject
So I’m trying out this freelance writing thing, and I got my first rejection today. My query got shot down by Parents magazine. I don’t care where it comes from, rejection hurts.
This is definitely decaf right? Because I’m breastfeeding and if my kid...– Things I didn’t say at Starbucks but should have because seriously this child WILL NOT SLEEP