June 2012
36 posts
2 tags
Me: My aunt e-mailed me. Well she’s not really my aunt, she’s my uncle’s wife…
Ken: That makes her your aunt.
Me: But she’s not blood-related.
Ken: If she’s married to your uncle, she’s your aunt.
Me: But she’s not his first wife.
Ken: Anybody currently married to your uncle is your aunt.
Me: But my uncle is dead.
Ken: I...
“Not in your mouth sweety. Don’t put Blade Runner in your mouth.”
1 tag
I've been told to add 10,000 words to my novel
If you need me I’ll be over here typing FUCK approximately 9,999 times.
“I can’t believe I hit Target twice a week and I’m still not the...”
– Me. Because I like to say things that start off lame and only go downhill from there.
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I think my friend said, “Stick it in the...
“You know, I’ll never cheat on you,” he said. They came out of nowhere, the words I needed to hear. They were a non sequitur to the comfortable silence that filled the car, but they were an extension to the thoughts that had been running through my brain all afternoon.
I pulled my eyes away from the sea of rush hour traffic and studied him. He was looking at me earnestly. ...
Don't worry be happy
I worry that the elevator cables are going to snap while I’m getting on or off and I’ll be sliced in two, so I always dash on and off of the elevator.
I worry that all of my life has been a dream, and I’m really in a coma in some hospital ward somewhere.
I worry that my next door neighbor can hear my vibrator through the wall.
I worry that people are rolling their eyes at...
Amaranth. Barley. Millet. Quinoa. Purple carrot. Kale. These are some of the things my kid eats on a regular basis in addition to your standard pears and peas and plums.
You know, the 8 month old? With, like, 5 teeth in his maw?
I worry I’m raising a mini gourmand who’s going to be sorely disappointed with my cooking repertoire of spaghetti and green bean casserole.
(I’m...
Things that matter to no one but me
- Brandon said, “Surprise!” and then fell asleep out of nowhere and stayed asleep for two hours. I would have enjoyed the free time more if I hadn’t been busy googling “baby sleeping sickness” and other variations thereof.
- We used to have game nights and sometimes we’d play dominos and every so often one of us would slam a domino down and yell,...
2 tags
“It’s all about how you have to look a certain way or else you’re worthless. You...”
– Margaret Cho (via braincooksidea)
How I list my Facebook friends:
- Family
- Friends
- Work
How I’d like to list my Facebook friends:
- People who would show up with a shovel and a bottle of Tequila if I had to move a body
- People who I met once at a work function but can’t delete because I might see them again in some distant, nebulous future
- People who use Facebook to talk to Jesus
- People from my past...
I sailed away to China in a little rowboat to find...
Last night I dreamt I was dating an old dude. Twice my age old. Well into his seventies. We were “courting”, I guess. There was a lot of hand holding. He wasn’t doddering or anything, but he was definitely a senior citizen. He looked like that “That’ll do” guy from Babe.
I’m not going to lie, it was the hottest dream I’ve had since that time I...
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2 tags
Five things
1. Thanks to everyone who commented on my crazy post. I’m doing much better now. A good cry and a nap work wonders. Also, having your husband’s go-ahead to look for a babysitter to come in for a couple of hours a week. Being a mom is crazy hard. Imagine being at your job, like 15 hours a day. Except you also have to clean your boss’s ass and feed him every 2 hours.
2. When I...
This has been a bad day. But if we’re honest, things have been slipping south for a while. I do what I can, and I manage to be an acceptable mother. But other parts of my life are unraveling. I am angry all the time. I snap at strangers. I go postal at (I shit you not) the post office. I leave rambling, vitriolic messages on the maintenance man’s voice mail. I am a crazy lady. I am...
It goes on.: Here's my unsolicited advice to... →
mrsbadcrumble:
Stop giving men so much power over you. “Does he like me?” is not the right question. If you like him, and he’s right for you, he will like you back. If he’s not right for you, who cares if he likes you? Whether or not you’re in a relationship is not the man’s decision. Being in a relationship…
In case you missed the memo? I'm a mother.
I post pictures of my kid because he’s beautiful and I love him. But it’s more than that. When I post a picture of my nugget, I am trying to convey the sense of wonder and awe that stops me dead whenever he smiles. I am trying to share the way my heart balloons, the emotion that swells inside of me, the way my breath sighs out of me in a silent “oh!” when I realize how...
This time last year I was preparing to defend my...
Ridiculous things I’ve said today:
“Honey, please don’t lick the floor.”
“Come here so mommy can smell your butt.”
“One more video and then it’s the boob for you.”
“That booger is going to be MINE!”
It's like a roller coaster baby
- I lost all the weight I wanted to lose in time for my California trip, slipping back under 100 (because I’m five feet short, and weighed 96 pre-bebeh)
- I gained all the weight back in California because Tommy Burger, In-n-Out, and Del Taco. Also Habit Burger, Fostar’s doughnuts, and oh hey, I LIKE TO EAT!
- I started Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred earlier this week and have...
Wanted: One brain-mouth filter
Her: Look at that! My baby just loves you!
Me: She can probably smell my baby on me.
