June 2012
36 posts
“I can’t believe I hit Target twice a week and I’m still not the...”
– Me. Because I like to say things that start off lame and only go downhill from there.
1 tag
I think my friend said, “Stick it in the...
“You know, I’ll never cheat on you,” he said. They came out of nowhere, the words I needed to hear. They were a non sequitur to the comfortable silence that filled the car, but they were an extension to the thoughts that had been running through my brain all afternoon.
I pulled my eyes away from the sea of rush hour traffic and studied him. He was looking at me earnestly. ...
Don't worry be happy
I worry that the elevator cables are going to snap while I’m getting on or off and I’ll be sliced in two, so I always dash on and off of the elevator.
I worry that all of my life has been a dream, and I’m really in a coma in some hospital ward somewhere.
I worry that my next door neighbor can hear my vibrator through the wall.
I worry that people are rolling their eyes at...
Amaranth. Barley. Millet. Quinoa. Purple carrot. Kale. These are some of the things my kid eats on a regular basis in addition to your standard pears and peas and plums.
You know, the 8 month old? With, like, 5 teeth in his maw?
I worry I’m raising a mini gourmand who’s going to be sorely disappointed with my cooking repertoire of spaghetti and green bean casserole.
(I’m...
Things that matter to no one but me
- Brandon said, “Surprise!” and then fell asleep out of nowhere and stayed asleep for two hours. I would have enjoyed the free time more if I hadn’t been busy googling “baby sleeping sickness” and other variations thereof.
- We used to have game nights and sometimes we’d play dominos and every so often one of us would slam a domino down and yell,...
2 tags
“It’s all about how you have to look a certain way or else you’re worthless. You...”
– Margaret Cho (via braincooksidea)
How I list my Facebook friends:
- Family
- Friends
- Work
How I’d like to list my Facebook friends:
- People who would show up with a shovel and a bottle of Tequila if I had to move a body
- People who I met once at a work function but can’t delete because I might see them again in some distant, nebulous future
- People who use Facebook to talk to Jesus
- People from my past...
I sailed away to China in a little rowboat to find...
Last night I dreamt I was dating an old dude. Twice my age old. Well into his seventies. We were “courting”, I guess. There was a lot of hand holding. He wasn’t doddering or anything, but he was definitely a senior citizen. He looked like that “That’ll do” guy from Babe.
I’m not going to lie, it was the hottest dream I’ve had since that time I...
1 tag
2 tags
Five things
1. Thanks to everyone who commented on my crazy post. I’m doing much better now. A good cry and a nap work wonders. Also, having your husband’s go-ahead to look for a babysitter to come in for a couple of hours a week. Being a mom is crazy hard. Imagine being at your job, like 15 hours a day. Except you also have to clean your boss’s ass and feed him every 2 hours.
2. When I...
This has been a bad day. But if we’re honest, things have been slipping south for a while. I do what I can, and I manage to be an acceptable mother. But other parts of my life are unraveling. I am angry all the time. I snap at strangers. I go postal at (I shit you not) the post office. I leave rambling, vitriolic messages on the maintenance man’s voice mail. I am a crazy lady. I am...
