Her: Look at that! My baby just loves you!
Me: She can probably smell my baby on me.
First time on a plane!! (Taken with instagram)
I'm abtastic: Ten rape prevention tips: -
1. Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks.
2. When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her alone.
3. If you pull over to help a woman whose car has broken down, remember not to rape her.
4. If you are in an elevator and a woman gets in, don’t rape her.
5. When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her.
6. Never creep into a woman’s home through an unlocked door or window, or spring out at her from between parked cars, or rape her.
7. Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
8. Use the Buddy System! If it is inconvenient for you to stop yourself from raping women, ask a trusted friend to accompany you at all times.
9. Carry a rape whistle. If you find that you are about to rape someone, blow the whistle until someone comes to stop you.
10. Don’t forget: Honesty is the best policy. When asking a woman out on a date, don’t pretend that you are interested in her as a person; tell her straight up that you expect to be raping her later. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the woman may take it as a sign that you do not plan to rape her.
(From canyourelate.org.)
And then I got turned down by Stephanie Meyers’ agency and my self-esteem cried, “Uncle!”
Which my inner child chose to hear as, “Cupcake!” because my inner child is a chubby little bastard who also totally gets me.
Ken: What do you want from Panera?
Me: Ooh! A chocolate chip muffie!
Ken: Got it.
Me: Wait! I’m not done! If you see that the muffie is touching anything blueberry, or that the little pincer grabby thingies have touched anything blueberry or have blueberry on them, then I want a brownie instead. But if the brownies look like they’ve been sitting out all day, then I want a bear claw.
Ken: YOU’REGETTINGACOOKIEGOODBYE
Why Katniss is a Feminist Character (And It’s Not Because She Wields a Bow and Beats Boys Up) -
“…she’s a feminist character not because she wields a bow like Bella never could, but because while in the arena she learns to recognize, value, and eventually embrace feminine strengths. It’s her ability to find strength in other women — and to support them in return — that makes the girl on fire a feminist.”
Taken with instagram
This is thing the one-
My father speaks a very broken, heavily accented English. He tries though, for Ken’s sake, who is usually the lone gringo at our family gatherings. One time, we were all sitting at the breakfast table and my dad asked us if we’d seen the latest gameshow on TV called “Guess Who’s Standing.” I shook my head, knowing he had the title wrong but not wanting to embarrass him. My brother and Ken, however, immediately picked it up and ran with it.
My brother was all, “Sure, that’s the one where they only show the contestants from the neck up and you have to guess which one of them is standing.”
“The tricky part,” Ken added, “is when you get a short person, because they could be standing or sitting, you just don’t know.”
“And sometimes they’re just crouching. Which is sort of like standing.”
“Or like you get a person with no legs and that’s just not cool.”
My dad said nothing, just kind of looked back and forth between them with a puzzled expression on his face and my mom, whose English is even worse than my dad’s asked “Que le pasa a Claudia?” because at this point I was laughing so hard I was on the verge of crossing over to actually weeping.
Okay I guess you had to be there. But the thing is this memory will come up at the most inappropriate time, like when I’m in line at the bank, or when I’m getting a pap smear, and I can’t NOT laugh.
The end.
the best part for me is the utter shock of the server
THIS CANNOT BE
MERE ANARCHY IS LOOSED UPON THE WORLD
This man is just like traumatized for life like-
He has to go into counseling for this shit
His family and friends and even coworkers feel alienated
“Henry we talked about this-“
“HE TOOK THE ICE CREAM WITH HIS HANDS”
“Henry that’s what he’s supposed to do-“
“I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY HE ORDERED A CONE IF HE WAS JUST GONNA TAKE THE ICE CREAM-“
“If he gave you the money that’s what he’s supposed to d-“
“A CUP IS 50 CENTS CHEAPER”
He never has healthy relationships with anyone ever again.
His life has been defined by this moment.
This poor guy
I am giggling uncontrollably at all of this.
(Source: seizetonight)
Lady holding infant: At what age did your baby start sleeping through the night?
Me: LOLSOB!!!!!