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But only for an hour a day because I'm also a stay-at-home mom.

To a toddler.

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Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor

 

This has been a bad day. But if we’re honest, things have been slipping south for a while. I do what I can, and I manage to be an acceptable mother. But other parts of my life are unraveling. I am angry all the time. I snap at strangers. I go postal at (I shit you not) the post office. I leave rambling, vitriolic messages on the maintenance man’s voice mail. I am a crazy lady. I am filled with rage.

I am at my breaking point. I know because I set the baby down while fighting with some random company on the phone and in my exasperation I didn’t realize he hadn’t put his hands down yet and he face-planted. My fault. My fault. I should have been paying closer attention. I should have a tighter lid on my emotions. I should be handling things better.

Why can’t I do this? Why have generations of women before me handled this while wearing heels and a smile and I sit here crying in a darkened bathroom? Why can’t I translate all the love I genuinely feel into some modicum of sanity and good parenting? What in the holy hell is wrong with me?!?

I’m thinking about going back to work and putting Brandon in day care. Not because I want to, but because I’m worried that I’m not a good mother. This is the saddest day. I am so unspeakably sorry.

  1. icybluequest said: The guilt, the struggle, the care, the worry- these are the things of an awesome mom. I think the difference with all the women in the past is that we didn’t see behind the curtain. We only see our own private craze. I’m sorry for your upset. xo
  2. corvidae30 said: Whoever told you that generations of women handled this wearing heels and a smile sold you a bill of goods. Toughest job in the world. Go easy on yourself.
  3. xntrek said: other than on TV and magazines, where are these high heel wearing, smiling supermoms you speak of? Seriously, you are experiencing NORMAL things. The only thing you are doing wrong? Beating and blaming yourself. It’s ok to make mistakes. <3 You. Call
  4. ashamedtosay said: You are NORMAL. Babies are hard. Babies can suck and they can’t talk to you and it is exhausting and that is NORMAL. Anyone who says differently is lying, mostly to themselves. My Mom baked pies to keep sane. It gets different hard/better.
  5. funinthesunshine said: I love my son so much I can’t even explain it. But lately it seems like his very existence grates on my last raw nerve. You are not alone.
  6. melonk said: I need several hours of me time out of the house (alone or with a friend, sans baby) or I start to feel the same rage. I go to paint pottery or shop/browse at the craft or home depot stores. You are a great mom who needs a n occasional break.
  7. iamsuperannoying said: I’ve totally been there. I understand every word you wrote. Hang in there, and if you need to talk, I’m someone who will listen. I think all the generations before us felt it, too, they just never talked about it.
  8. peachcherub said: Mistakes happen. You are a good mom because you care whether you are. I don’t think the bad ones care.
  9. ungracefulme said: Kids are a pain in the ass and crap happens (I snipped a pc of Cameron’s ear off trying to trim his hair and burned Avery’s chin w a hair dryer and they’re FINE (mostly)) You are more than an “acceptable” mother. You’re a really good mom.
  10. ladameblanc said: Time for a spa day lady!
  11. penbleth said: Do not believe outward appearances and certainly not TV shows or people’s reminiscences. We have all done similar things. This is the hardest thing you will ever do and it seems interminable. But it will pass. So much love to you.
  12. thefount said: Because those generations of women before you did the same things. They had bad days. They snapped at people. They aren’t able to handle it all the way they think they should. This is parenthood. This is life. Being a good mother isn’t about never doing anything wrong. It’s…
  13. catty1 said: Please call this number RIGHT NOW: 800-9506264. STop beating yourself up. You are not a bad anything. But please call and get the talking to someone process startee.