Cloudya

I keep thinking about Julie. I keep thinking about Julie. I keep thinking about my friend Julie.

There’s an email she wrote me a couple of years ago when I lost my first pregnancy. It’s been with me all day. It helped me so much back then. It helped me so much again today. Maybe it will help you as well?

“Claudia my love, I am so sorry. Oh sweetie. I know. Oh how I know and God if I was capable I’d get in the car this minute and hug it right out for you. I know all too well it’s not that simple.

As my mom had to tell her very sad daughter a few weeks ago, her daughter who was blaming herself for her cancer: life is not a punishment. Life is not a test.

To lose a baby that is growing inside you that you cannot wait to love, a baby you’ve waited for who slips away, is one of the most difficult “why?” times in our life we have to face. There is NOTHING I’d love to do more for you than take that away from you, my sweet sweet girl. You’re perfectly justified to feel every every ache of every emotion you feel right now. And don’t let anyone tell you you’re not.

But I love you, and I need you to know, to have total trust in what I am saying, because it is a promise I can give you with complete and total guarantee. Sometime, some day, you will discover some answers to the “why”. You will discover a “Because”. In fact, knowing the wise and wonderful woman, you will discover many of them. And the pain you feel now, which sucks beyond belief and God I wanna hug it all away for you, but the becauses will fill your life so greatly that your pain will be something you’ll look back at and love and accept like an imperfection on your body that makes you completely you. It will be part of who you are, forever, but you won’t let it be a demon, you’ll let it be one of the many wonderful things that make you completely you.

May I share with you the many wonderful “becauses” that I discovered? And again, I say them not to say “feel these feelings and feel them now”. I say them to promise you hope even if you’re not ready to feel it now, and because I love you and am here for you as you walk up that dark mountain until you make it to the top and girl I shit you not if that means you wanna call me every freaking day or email me 57 times a day, I want you to do it because there is nothing I’d be more willing to do, anything and I mean anything to hold your hand as you make it to the top. I mean it Claudia. People think they can’t burden me with anything right now but the fact is, for anyone to see me as burdened with other people’s problems doesn’t really know me at all. I know no greater honor and gift than to help friends. I will text you, call you, listen to you, do whatever you need, I mean it.

Now listen, or, if you’re not ready, listen in a couple weeks. Here are the answers I found to my “why”. Some are very specific, but I’m not gonna sugar coat. I only give them to you to give you some peace, slight slight peace.

Because my eyes can see the world differently now. They are smarter eyes. They look beyond my own two feet and see things they would not have noticed. And they help me learn.

Because a newspaper article told me about a girl who was born without a functioning smile had endured her twentieth operation to her face, and she hadn’t made it to the top of her mountain yet. She had many more operations to go. And she had more strength and courage than I could ever possibly know. And if she could make it, well Jesus, I could make it too. And she lives in my heart and mind now, and every day until I am gone.

Because sometimes there are no answers to why. Some things are senseless.

Because some people are stupid, and you will hear them complain about the mild discomforts of being pregnant and you’ll wanna hurl a machete at their goddamn head, and in your imagination, I will help you throw that machete but, the point is, as you hear them being stupid, you will know better. You will be smarter than them, wiser than them, growing wiser than them, and you’ll look better too, because they’ll still have that machete in their head.

Because people are insensitive but you are not. Your compassion, your warmth, that you already posess, will grow stronger. So strong.

Because Ken loves you more than ever.

Because my body is wiser than I ever gave it credit for. It is strong, amazingly wonderful, and it has never let me down. Even now. It has served me greater than I have ever served it, and it has loved me more than I ever knew. This is a because I am still learning today. Your body loves you. It made a decision for you and the baby because it is doing it’s job to love you. And it’s gonna do it’s job again, and sometimes it’s gonna do stuff you won’t like, but ultimately it’s gonna serve you and it will do all it can in it’s amazing power to love you. The female body is a superhero. Mine is. That i know for sure.

Because Colin movies and junk food are fucking awesome, and indulgence sitting around on my ass are a wonderful thing and losing a baby is a wonderful excuse to indulge whenever the fuck you want, because it will help make things better.

Because your perspective will always forever be changed. But in a good way. In a good good way.

Because you will grow more decisive.

Because you will grow more confident. More loving.

Because you will be called upon to help others up mountains and you’ll do it time and time again, and you’ll be able to, and you’ll be a greater help up that mountain than you would have been before. I have.

Because you’ll have sex with Colin. Ok I made that one up but seriously there’s no reason it shouldn’t be in this list.

Because one of your pregnancies, and you don’t know which one, but one of those pregnacies WILL stick. And when it does, each day will feel like a gift. You will cherish every day with that baby inside of you. Every day.

But all of those are my minor becauses. This is my top of the mountain because.
Because Benjamin Michael Rickards is the love of my life and if I didn’t have my Ben, I don’t know how I could bear a day in this world. He is my air, my entire world. He is the greatest love I have ever known. There is none greater. So all of the heartache, all of the whys, they all make sense. I’d travel up that mountain every day if I had to, because he’s at the top of it. There is a soul at the top of your mountain waiting for you. It cannot wait to meet you but it is going to do just that. It’s gonna be there, it’s gonna be there because it’s the soul you are meant to love. It might be a soul from your body and it might be a soul from somewhere else, but it is going to be waiting for you and only you, because it is meant to be yours. I promise.

I hope by sharing things that I know now, I haven’t said too much. I know I’ve said a lot and I hope it’s not come across as obnoxious. People always say they don’t have the right words, but, the only wrong words are to say nothing at all when someone is in pain. I know that all too well. I’ve had many friends afraid to talk to me now that I have cancer. It’s awful. People dismiss things. They are uncomfortable, don’t know what to say. And so they fall silent. It’s criminal. Completely criminal.

Claudia. Let yourself feel anger. Sadness. Victimized. Happiness. Guilt. Freedom from guilt. Let yourself feel any emotions you want.

And when you’re ready, get your game face on. Push away the toxic feelings when you can, renew your confidence in your amazing body, and push forward. When you are ready, let your mind and body live in peace, in hope, in joy and strength. Let optimism and sunshine and laughter rule your days as you walk up that mountain. It doesn’t have to be a dark climb. It can be a climb filled with more joy than darkness, if you let it. Your friends will help to carry you up that mountain and they’ll be there for you on the other side.

And girly I’m having to make it to the top of my own mountain right now and it’s a fucking scary one so frankly you are stuck mountain traveling with me whether you wanna be or not! You’re a part of my expedition.

I love you so so so much. I’m here for absolutely anything you need. Send me venomous emails and texts to get out anger, send me whining, send me complaints, send me ridiculous things that make you feel like the biggest asshole for thinking. Get them all out so you’re stronger. I mean it. Take advantage any time. I’m here to help.

It’s 6:45am Sunday. Imma go downstairs and eat chocolate marshmallow ice cream, in the name of Claudia and Julie, two AMAZINGLY smart wise witty sexy STRONG badass mountain climbers who are gonna make it to the TOP of our mountains, motherfuckas! :)

Much, much love,
Julie xoxoxoxoxoxo to the max”