Cloudya

Brandon skipped his afternoon nap yesterday. The one I use to read and relax. I use his morning map to do chores so of course he took that one. I went to bed last night feeling smug. Knowing, just knowing, that he would sleep through the night. He just had to. He must have been exhausted. But no, he was up at 1 am. At 4, when I got up to write, he was standing in his crib calling out for attention. An hour later, I’m still rocking him, trying to get him to fall asleep. For god’s sake, just fall asleep…

This, too, shall pass.

So I’m wondering, 1) why isn’t baby Ambien a thing? And 2) what is it about kids and “give me”? I am focused on himhimhim 18 hours a day. He gives me 5 hours to sleep at night, but they’re not uninterrupted hours. He gets in there just to make things fun. “My time is mine and your time is mine.”

I am not my own. I am not so much sleep-deprived as I am self-starved. Lack of sleep I can handle. It sucks, but you get used to it. An absence of freedom to nurture me, to take care of me and just be me, is a whole other matter.

And I know all the platitudes. I know all the things I say to myself when I’m writing in my head because I can’t get to a computer. “This isn’t forever. Just keep swimming. This, too, shall pass.”

Give me.

Give me patience. Give me time. Give me strength.

Give me the wisdom to treasure these moments instead of suffering through them.

Give me the ability to remember him just this way, because god knows and you know and I know that this, too, shall pass. And I might find I miss it when it does.